The Servant Page 11

  “First I want to ask you a question, Brother Simeon. Why are the monks so neurotic about time? I mean things are done practically to the second around here.”

  “I’m pleased you asked, Theresa. Actually, I was a bit of a fanatic about time long before I came to this place. Remember, everything the leader does sends a message. If we are late for appointments, meetings, or other commitments we’ve made, what is the message we are sending to others?”

  “People who are late drive me nuts!” the coach blurted out. “I am actually enjoying the fact that time is respected here because I like to know what to expect. To answer your question, Simeon, I pick up several messages when someone is late. One message is that their time is more important than my time, a rather arrogant message to be sending to me. Being late also conveys the message that I must not be very important to them because they would almost certainly be on time for an important person. It also communicates to me that they are not very honest because honest people stick to their word and follow through with their commitments, even time commitments. Being late is extremely disrespectful behavior and is also habit forming.” The coach took a deep breath after her speech. “Thank you for allowing me to preach.”

  The teacher smiled, saying, “I guess there’s nothing more to be said about that. I hope it answered your question, Theresa. Now what is our next definition?”

  “Selflessness, but give me a second here to find it. OK, it says selflessness is ‘meeting the needs of others, even before your own.’”

  Selflessness—meeting the needs of others

  “Thank you, Theresa. Now the opposite of selflessness is selfishness, which means ‘my needs first, the heck with your needs,’ right? Selflessness then is about meeting the needs of others, even if it means sacrificing your own needs and wants. This would also be a beautiful definition of leadership. To meet the needs of others even before your own.”

  Surprisingly the sergeant offered, “On the battlefield, the troops always eat their meals before the officers.”

  I found myself protesting this time. “But if we’re constantly meeting other people’s needs, won’t they get spoiled and start to take advantage of us?”

  “You haven’t been listening too good, John old buddy,” the sergeant snickered. “We’re supposed to meet needs, not wants. If we’re giving people what they legitimately require for their mental or physical well-being, I don’t think we have to worry about spoiling them. Remember, John, meet needs not wants, be a servant not a slave. How am I doing, Simeon?”

  The class roared as Simeon looked to the principal for the next definition.

  “Forgiveness is our next word, and it’s defined as ‘giving up resentment when wronged,’” Theresa announced.

  Forgiveness—giving up resentment when wronged

  “Now isn’t that an interesting definition?” the teacher began. “Giving up resentment when someone has wronged you. Why would this be an important character quality for a leader to develop?”

  “Because people aren’t perfect and they will let you down,” the nurse answered. “And I suppose in the position of being the leader, that will happen quite often.”

  The sergeant didn’t like this one either. “So if someone wrongs me I’m supposed to just pretend they didn’t screw up,” he said. “I just pat them nicely on the head and tell them everything’s OK. Is that right?”

  “No, Greg,” Simeon countered. “That would not be leading with integrity. Forgiveness is not about pretending bad things didn’t happen or not dealing with things as they arise. To the contrary, we must practice assertive behavior with others, not passive doormat behavior or aggressive behavior that violates the rights of others. Assertive behavior is being open, honest, and direct with others but is always done in a respectful manner. Forgiving behavior is dealing with situations as they arise in an assertive manner and then letting go of any lingering resentment. As the leader, if you are not able to let go of the resentment, it will consume you and render you ineffective.”

  Feeling moved to speak I added, “My wife, whom I lovingly refer to as ‘The Shrink,’ is a therapist, and she often reminds her patients that resentment destroys the human personality. I think most of us have known people who hang on to resentments year after year and become bitter and very unhappy people.”

  My roommate threw in, “Buddy Hackett used to say, ‘while you’re holding a grudge, the other guy’s out dancing!’”

  “Thank you for all those comments,” the teacher smiled. “Remember on Sunday when I said all of us together are much wiser than any one of us? What does the dictionary say about honesty, Theresa.”

  “Honesty is defined as being ‘free from deception.’”

  Honesty—being free from deception

  “I thought honesty was about not telling lies,” the coach said slowly. “But being free from deception is a bit broader, isn’t it?”

  “We teach our kids in school,” the principal offered, “that a lie is any communication with the intent to deceive others. Not speaking up or withholding pieces of the truth may be thought of as ‘little white lies’ and socially acceptable, but they are lies nonetheless.”

  “Remember,” the teacher continued, “honesty is the quality most people put at the top of their list of what they want most from their leader. We also said trust, which is built by honesty, is the glue that holds relationships together. But honesty with people is also the tough side of love and brings balance to love. Honesty is about clarifying expectations for people, holding people accountable, being willing to give the bad news as well as the good news, giving people feedback, being consistent, predictable, and fair. In short, our behavior must be free from deception and dedicated to the truth at all costs.”

  My roommate spoke up again. “In my old job in the real world, my first business mentor used to tell me that if we didn’t hold our people to task, we were very dishonest. In fact, she used to go so far as to say that leaders who do not hold their people accountable to a set standard are, in effect, thieves and liars. Thieves because they are stealing from the stockholder who pays them to hold people accountable, and liars because they pretend that everything is OK with their people when in fact everything is not OK.”

  I added, “I’ve known many a supervisor who thinks that as long as everyone is happy, life in their area is good. They refuse to discuss deficiencies out of fear that they will not be liked—or that people will get angry with them. I never really thought about how dishonest this behavior really is. I think most people want—and they certainly need—to know where they stand with the leader.”

  “Very good. Let’s look at commitment, Theresa,” the teacher requested.

  “Give me a second. OK, here it is. Commitment is defined as ‘sticking to the choice you have made.’”

  Commitment—sticking to your choices

  The teacher was silent for a moment before saying, “Commitment is probably the most important behavior of all. And by commitment I mean being committed to the commitments you make in life. This is important because the principles we are discussing require enormous effort and if you are not committed as the leader, you will probably give up and resort back to power. Commitment, unfortunately, is not a very popular word these days.”

  “I’ll say,” the nurse spoke up. “If we don’t want the baby we abort, if we don’t want our spouse we divorce, and now if we don’t want Grandpa there’s always euthanasia. A nice and tidy throwaway society.”

  The sergeant smiled before saying, “Yeah, everyone wants to be involved but nobody wants to be committed. There is a pretty big difference between the two. The next time you’re sitting down eating eggs and bacon remember this—the chicken was involved but the pig was committed!”

  “Great, Greg—I’d forgotten that one,” I jumped in, feeling better about the sergeant the more I got to know him.

  All was quiet for some time as we pondered these thoughts. Finally the teacher broke the silence, saying, “True commitmen
t is a vision about individual and group growth along with continuous improvement. The committed leader is dedicated to growing, stretching, and continuously improving—committed to becoming the best leader they can be and that the people they lead deserve. It is also a passion for the people and the team, pushing them to become the best they can be. However, we must never dare to ask the people we lead to become the best they can be, to strive toward continuous improvement, unless we’re willing to grow and become the best we can be. This requires commitment, passion, and a vision on the part of the leader of where he or she and the group are headed.”

  The preacher added, “And scripture teaches us that without a vision, the people perish.”

  “I wish the mini-sermons would perish, preacherman,” the sergeant jabbed at my roommate.

  “This love, commitment, leadership, extending yourself for others—this all sounds like a whole lot of work to me,” I said with a sigh.

  “You bet it is, John,” the teacher continued, “but that’s what we signed up to do when we signed up to be the leader. Nobody ever said it would be easy. When we choose to love, to extend ourselves for others, we will be required to be patient, kind, humble, respectful, selfless, forgiving, honest, and committed. These behaviors will require us to serve and sacrifice for others. We may have to sacrifice our egos or even our bad moods on a particular day. We may have to sacrifice our desire to blast someone rather than be assertive with them. We will have to sacrifice by loving and extending ourselves for people we may not even like.”

  “But as you said earlier,” Theresa commented, “we have a choice to make about whether or not we will choose to behave lovingly. When we love others by extending ourselves, we will have to serve and sacrifice. When we serve and sacrifice we build authority with people. And when we have built authority with people, then we’ve earned the right to be called leader.”

  “I understand the cause and effect of what you’re saying,” the coach argued, “and may even agree with it. But behaving this way sounds a bit like we’re manipulating people.”

  The principal responded, “Manipulation, by definition, is influencing people for personal benefit. I think the leadership model Simeon espouses is influencing people for mutual benefit. If I am truly identifying and meeting the legitimate needs of the people I am leading and serving, then they, by definition, must also be benefiting from that influence if I’m serving properly. Is this right, Simeon?”

  “As usual, the group has managed to articulate these principles better than I could have. Thank you.”

  The preacher remarked, “I once listened to a tape done by Tony Campolo, a rather famous author, pastor, speaker, and educator, where he talked about his premarital counseling sessions with young adults. He said that whenever he first sees a young couple, he always asks them, ‘So why are you getting married?’ The usual answer, of course, is, ‘Because we’re really in love.’ Tony’s second question would then be, ‘You do have a better reason than that, don’t you?’ He said the couple would usually look at each other in disbelief at what appears to be a stupid question before answering, ‘What could be a better reason than that? We’re really in love!’ He would respond to this by saying, ‘It sounds like you have a lot of warm-fuzzies for each other now and the hormones are really getting cranked up. That’s great, enjoy it. But what will become of your relationship when these feelings are gone?’ The couple predictably look at one other for strength at that point before responding defiantly, ‘That will never happen to us!’”

  The room exploded in laughter.

  “I see some of you have been married a few seasons,” my roommate continued. “We all know that feelings come and go and it is the commitment that carries us through. Tony concludes by pointing out that at every wedding there is an opportunity for a marriage, but that we never know what we’ve got until the feelings are gone.”

  “Yes, yes, Lee,” the teacher affirmed. “The same principle of commitment is true with leadership. The character traits, behaviors, we have been discussing today are not so difficult with the people we like. Many evil men and women have been kind and outgoing with the people they liked. But our true character as the leader is revealed when we have to extend ourselves for the tough ones, when we are put in the crucible and have to love people we don’t particularly like. Then we find out about how committed we are. Then we find out what kind of leader we’ve really got.”

  Theresa added, “I think it was Zsa Zsa Gabor who said that loving twenty men in one year is easy compared to loving one man for twenty years!”

  The teacher walked over to the flip chart and completed the diagram.

  “In our model yesterday, we said leadership is built upon authority or influence, which is built upon service and sacrifice, which is built upon love. When you lead with authority, you will, by definition, be called upon to extend yourself, love, serve, and even sacrifice for others.

  LOVE AND LEADERSHIP

  Patience

  Showing Self-Control

  Kindness

  Giving Attention, Appreciation, and Encouragement

  Humility

  Being Authentic and Without Pretense or Arrogance

  Respectfulness

  Treating Others as Important People

  Selflessness

  Meeting the Needs of Others

  Forgiveness

  Giving Up Resentment when Wronged

  Honesty

  Being Free from Deception

  Commitment

  Sticking to Your Choices

  Results: Service and Sacrifice

  Setting Aside Your Own Wants and Needs; Seeking the Greatest Good for Others

  Again, love is not about how you feel toward others but how you behave toward others.”

  The nurse summed up with, “So what I’m hearing you say, Simeon, is that love—the verb—could be defined as the act or acts of extending yourself for others by identifying and meeting their legitimate needs. Would that be close?”

  “Beautiful, Kim,” came the simple reply.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  The Environment

  Men and women want to do a good job. If they

  are provided the proper environment, they will do so.

  —BILL HEWLETT, FOUNDER, HEWLETT-PACKARD

  I GLANCED AT THE BEDSIDE CLOCK. It was a little after three Thursday morning and I was again staring at the ceiling. I had called Rachael and the office late the previous afternoon to see how things were going. I was disappointed to discover that everything and everyone was getting on just fine without me.

  I was also thinking about the life questions Simeon had posed to me the previous morning. Just what do I believe? Why am I here? What is my purpose? Is there any meaning to this game of life?

  No answers came to me.

  Only more questions.

  I ARRIVED AT THE CHAPEL fifteen minutes early and was proud of myself. I had actually managed to arrive at a meeting before Simeon!

  The teacher sat next to me at five sharp and lowered his head, apparently in prayer.

  After a couple of minutes, he turned to me and asked, “What have you been learning, John?”

  “The discussion about love was interesting. I never really thought of it as something we do for others. I always thought about love in terms of something we feel. I hope nobody hits me at work when I tell them I’m going to start loving them all!”

  Simeon laughed. “Your actions will always speak louder and are infinitely more important than your words, John. Remember Theresa’s comment that love is as love does.”

  “But what about loving myself, Simeon? The pastor at our church says you are also supposed to love your neighbor and yourself.”

  “Unfortunately, John, that verse seems to get misquoted quite a bit these days. The text actually says, Love your neighbor as yourself, not and yourself. There is quite a difference. When Jesus says to love others as we love ourselves, He is rightly assuming that we already love ourselves. He is asking us
to love others in the same way as we love ourselves.”

  “The way I love myself?” I objected. “Heck, there are times, especially lately, when I can’t stand myself, let alone love myself.”

  “Remember, John, agapé love is a verb describing how we behave, not a noun describing how we feel. There are times when I am not particularly fond of myself, either—and those are, no doubt, my better moments. Even though I may not particularly like myself at any given time, I still continue to love myself by meeting my own needs. And unfortunately, all too often, I want my needs to come before the needs of others. Just like a two-year-old.”

  “I guess most of us do tend to look out for number one, don’t we?”

  “Exactly, John. Looking out for number one is loving ourselves. Putting our neighbors at number one and being mindful of their needs is loving our neighbors. Think of how quick we are to forgive ourselves for the blunders and absurdities that creep into our lives. Are we as quick to forgive our neighbors for their blunders and absurdities? You see, we are quick to love ourselves but not so quick to love others.”

  “I never thought of it that way, Simeon,” I said, a little dumbfounded.

  “If we are honest with ourselves, don’t we sometimes delight, even for a moment, in our neighbors’ misfortunes, job losses, divorces, extramarital affairs, and other troubles? We are truly loving our neighbors when we are as concerned about their welfare as much as we are about our own welfare.”

  “But what about loving God?” I questioned. “The pastor at my church keeps telling me that I’m supposed to love God too. But there are times I don’t feel particularly ‘warm and fuzzy’ about Him either. Life sometimes seems so unfair. Sometimes I wonder if He’s even there at all.”

  To my surprise the teacher agreed with me. “There are times when I get angry at God and may not like Him very much either. And times when my belief system seems rather implausible to me. I have many questions and there are things in life that appear to me to be unfair. But how I feel has little to do with whether or not I continue to love God and remain committed to my relationship with Him. I can still love Him by being patient, attentive to our relationship through prayer, authentic, respectful, honest, and even forgiving. And I can do this even when, perhaps especially when, I don’t feel like it. That is demonstrating the love of commitment. Being faithful, even though my faith may be weak this month.”